Where I Am Right Now

Can I get this printed on a t-shirt? It just seems so, um, appropriate.

Can I get this printed on a t-shirt? It just seems so, um, appropriate.

So, let me tell you how I really feel at this moment so that the world can know what a selfish bitch I am at heart.

My children had tickets to the local minor league baseball game tonight. They got them as a prize when they signed up for our library’s summer reading program. In the ideal world, my husband and I would have taken them together and we all would have checked “Baseball game” off our summer bucket list. Of course, our world is far from ideal, and so we decided my husband would take them to the game and I would stay home with his mother.

Then, around 3 pm today, the phone rang. There was an emergency at one of the parks in his division, and so he left. The emergency was and is a pretty big deal. A young man drowned while on a family fishing trip. That’s tragic and I hope my moaning and groaning won’t take anything away from how tragic that is. My heart genuinely aches for his family. I can’t imagine…and unless you’ve suddenly lost a child, my guess is that you can’t imagine what his poor parents are feeling either. You just know it is really, really bad. You know their hearts feel like they have been ripped out.

So, because my husband had to go to the park to deal with this heart-wrenching lose, my children’s baseball tickets are going unused. They were remarkably good sports when I told them that Daddy had to go to work for an emergency. No tears, no fussing. My daughter did say, “But I wanted to go to the game.” I can’t blame her for feeling disappointed.

So, why don’t I take them to the game? I can’t. We don’t have any granny-care. Yeah, that seems to be the number one reason we change plans or have to say no to all the opportunities that come our way. No granny-care. Someone HAS to stay at home with my mother-in-law, who, by the way, is quite lucid, alert, and extremely unpleasant tonight. She’s been complaining and barking orders in Spanish all day. As I was cooking supper she kept calling me to her and when I asked her what she needed, how I could help, she pulled her eye-brows together, distorted her face, and said, “Tonta!” Yeah, I want to leave her ass right here and go to the ballpark just to spite her, but I won’t.

So, this is the bitchy part: I really resent this. I want her to die just so we can get on with our lives and behave like a normal, middle-class family of four. Baseball games, swimming lessons, camping out…I want to do fun things with my children without having to think twice about granny-care.

Yeah, THAT is where I am tonight.

I’m praying that I will be in a very different place tomorrow.

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